Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Three Sentences

Ok, guys.  Here is the deal.  I am barely functioning at the moment.  My fingers feel like big fat sausages and I'm only very clumsily typing this short post out.    If you know me, you know the hell I am going through.   If you don't know what I'm even going on about, it's either because I haven't found the strength to pick up the phone and repeat the whole mess again or I just don't want to tell you.  I'll continue sending updates to those in the loop via email, it's all I've got to give.   Please, no phone calls.

Writing about what is happening may seem like a challenge worthy of taking on, maybe even therapeutic, but I know it's not a good idea in any way.    I am in a sedative (legal) induced haze just to keep myself functioning for my family as best I can, I'm not concerned with much else…. especially providing entertainment to people who are just dying to know what's happening.   I can see it in their eyes.

My head is thick and I'm going on very little and poor quality sleep.  Basically, I'm a right mess and a half.  I'm not putting my business out on display in this current state, I'm just typing this to say that I won't be posting for a wee bit, until the worst is over.   I do not know how long that will be.  If any of you have some compassion energy to throw my way, now would be the best time to do it.   Standing up is hard right now.

No one can say anything to make some situations better.  Words of comfort are being fumbled in the worst of ways, and I simply wish that people would stop trying to counsel me or tell me that they know how I feel…. imagining is one thing, knowing is a totally different creature that I'm sad to have met.  I am not asking for people to drop everything for me, thought it would have been nice to have a strong (and silent, not advice giving) body to lean on in a few of those critical hours this week.  I'm actually feeling pretty pissed off that I'm always there for people when they need it and I've had to end up standing up to a lot of this totally alone and vulnerable.  At least there was no element of surprise in it.  I sort of figured.

I did get a bit of comfort from an unlikely source.  Mr. Operation Human Monster was kind enough to drop me a line elsewhere to provide me with a video he thought I would like.    I'm glad he did, because I do like it.   Mr. Monster is a cool guy, if you enjoy fitness, check out his blog.  

See you all later.   Look on the bright side, if this breaks me entirely, my posts will most likely be more entertaining in the future.  Crazy people say some funny shit.


  1. What you did for me last week left a huge imprint on my heart! I am forever grateful. If you need anything I will do it. No one can understand just be there. I'm here sending lots of love and positivity your way. Let me know if there is anything else I can do. Time heals all.

  2. If I said at all over the past three days that I "know", I greatly flubbed. I cannot even imagine. My brain won't wrap completely around it.

    You have seriously been heavily on my mind and in my heart. Throwing you all the compassion I've got.

    I love ya, T. I hate that you are in any way struggling with this alone.

    ~big long distance hugs and comfort~


  3. Well whatever it is have faith in yourself and that inner strength.
    You know what I mean.
    My offer of course still stands if you need it.
    Take care of you x

  4. We love you and you are the most giving person that I know. You know that I will drop anything for you! I couldn't even imagine what you are going through, but I do know that you are strong and you will get through this.

  5. Lots of thoughts going your way, from an unknown to an unknown. You've been a truly impressive and inspiring blog acquaintance. Please take care of yourself.

  6. Glad you liked it! I also find that it is comforting to find the people who've done me wrong, tie them up from a tree, fill their pockets full of candy, invite all the neighborhood street urchins over, provide them with mini-bats sans the blindfolds...then let the person think about what they've done. LOL.



  7. Oh my, thank you all. My eyes welled up a bit reading all of this… and it's nice to cry for a different reason at the moment. It makes me feel better and I'm pretty sure it's not the Adivan talking. I'm touched that my new blogger acquaintances would take the time for dropping a word, so a special thanks to you DCG and Johanna. Kind words from virtual strangers pluck at my heartstrings like you wouldn't believe.

    Jill, you and Josh were great today. I know he wasn't expecting to hear what he did when he sent that text. I love you both. We'll speak soon.

    Miss Peril, our constant texting has kept me sane in the midst of me losing it completely. I actually lost my car this afternoon in a near empty parking lot…yeah. Every word you've said has been immensely comforting, you are actually the closest to being able to relate, seeing as how we are doppies. I love you.

    Jeremy, I love your internet hearts. They are your signature trademark, I've noticed.

    Ashley, thank you, darling. Despite all this, you're still in my thoughts. You hang in there, too.

  8. Scotty, thanks! Again.
    p.s. I like your shirts, but can't read the text on some of them. Old eyes, you see. I'll have to bug you later for bigger text translation before selecting one to wear to the gym. ;)

  9. I made one with your favorite MMA catch phrase on it. Tell me which shirt you like, and I'll customize it for you. More to come later when I call in a couple of favors from some artsy folks I know. :)

  10. I self-quarantine when I'm having difficult time. I do everything in my power to erase myself from the world. It's weird but even when I know people mean well (know it, really know it, not just suspect or hope) I feel like I'm the one who ends up comforting or assuring them when they are trying to console me. Maybe my misinterpretation but, right or wrong, I don't have the strength for it. It's not that I don't care, more like I can't.

    Exactly one time in my life was this unwritten rule of utter solitude broken. Sis was worried and pretty much backed me into a corner and said, "Out with it, what's wrong." It was unbelievably invasive, I was frightened and exposed, the emotional equivalent of having someone rub sandpaper over burned skin. Had it been anyone else I would've told them to go straight to hell but Sis, geez, I'd do anything for her. Even talk.

    And I did. And then we both just sat there in stupid silence staring at our hands for what seemed like an eternity. As the dead air got louder and louder, I got more and more frantic and miserable. Amongst the jumble and static and screaming in my head I maybe had one coherent thought, "This is awful, this has made things a thousand times worse, I should have never said anything."

    Suddenly she looked up at me with one of those lightbulb looks and blurted, "At least you don't have tapeworms!"


    Abracadabra, what I experienced over the next hour or so gave new meaning to the phrase "cracking up". I laughed until I sobbed, I sobbed until I laughed, I made noises that scared the cat, all kinds of craziness until my entire body hurt. Freakin' Humpty Dumpty wasn't this cracked up. Something though, the splinter in my heart maybe, I don't know, but something inside didn't hurt so much anymore.

    So, not only sending you compassion brain waves but wishing you one of those mostly-silent, indescribably strong, appropriately inappropriate moments. It's different for everyone, sometimes impossible to predict and will likely make no sense to anyone but you. Sending you one of those, yup. One of the good moments.

    Can't have the world's most awesome sister though, she's taken. =)

  11. You and I are more alike than I ever would have initially imagined. I nod a lot when I read what you have to say.

    p.s. Inappropriate laugher is the absolute best medicine for anything. Only the wisest cats know this. Thank you for your words.