Yesterday left me in a tailspin. Ever have one of those days where things hit you from all ends and you can't quite keep grasp of which way is up? That was me. I felt caught in a rip current. The day brought very sad and surprising news that shook me up far more than my exterior will allow me to show. I made some necessary realizations. Other things made their way into the day that left me very pleased but pensive as a whole. By the time I walked into my home last night there was little else to do but fall into my bed in a heap. My eyes were far too heavy for me to continue fighting what my body obviously wanted to do, which was just to shut down for a bit. Sometimes confusion and big doses of emotion make sleep evade me, this was not one of those nights.
I'm glad I gave in, because this morning my eyes popped open far too early and I begrudgingly realized that there would be no more sleep for me. So here I sit, with coffee in hand and a racing brain. Instead of trying to explain by using this blog as a journal to share stories that aren't really mine to share, or to get too specific in terms of things I'd have to kill you for knowing, I'll just try to sort out the bigger picture the only way I know how. By writing it down here.
I am such a flawed woman. I can be uptight, difficult and moody. I am so judgmental that there are times when I surprise even myself. I straddle the fence between stating my opinions far too much (loudly, unabashedly and gratingly, I'm sure) and having to carry the fact that there are some things I'll always have to keep close to the vest, because honestly, the vast majority of people can't handle so many of my truths and ethics. I know I'm not for everyone, but I'll never apologize for being myself.
I'd like to think that my personal ethics are born out of an ingrained need to live life to the fullest, I was born this way. I want to have it all, I want to be the girl with the most cake. There is a realization always lingering in the back of my head, yelling to me that this here is my only shot….. no dress rehearsals for life, this is my one chance. It's far too short for me to miss a thing, to deny myself happiness or life experience when it's offered. It seems that death is lingering around every corner lately, it's so constant in the past few months that I'm slightly overwhelmed. The fragility of life and the mortality we all share is thrust into my face as validation that I'm doing things the way I was meant to. I don't know any other way to be and that's ok because I'm not wrong.
But if you're reading this, there's a decent chance we've had a drink together. I don't have to preach to the choir about my flaws, to know me is to know what they are. The point I'm getting at is that despite the ever present side of snark that I serve up, long winded rants about things that make me angry and my predisposition to view the glass as half empty sometimes, it doesn't define me completely. Sometimes the rest is harder to see and get to because I tend to guard it, our tender sides need more protection. If you're one of those closest to me, you know just how soft I really can be. I have a lot of love in my heart.
Despite being a textbook introvert, I need my people. My inner circle of friends are not just friends, they are my chosen family in a world that's made the vast majority of my original family largely inaccessible to me for various reasons. I keep so much inside that if I didn't have the critically important few in my life with whom I can speak freely and frankly with, I think I would wither away or go insane. Neither seem all that much fun to me. Without my network of like minded cohorts and kindred spirits, I would be lonely and most certainly less happy as a whole. Hold on to your friends, people. I know I do. There's a reason why I keep such a small number of folks close to me and in my heart. I hold onto them with such a white knuckle grip of love and loyalty that it seems impossible to expand the circle too much. I don't have the strength.
Bad things happen way too much, good things come along far too rarely. Don't be complacent. Seize the moment when it arises and suck all of the marrow out of life with abandon and an unapologetic spirit. I say what I mean, good or bad, because I'm all too aware that I may not have tomorrow. Life is too short to put up with shit that you don't have to deal with. Life is far too short to not throw your arms around the people who put a smile on your face every chance you get, no matter if it's right or wrong. Those are undeniable truths. It's why I shut people out completely if they bring unhappiness to my life and also why I'll drop everything and go far beyond what's expected for those of value to me.
I don't tend to follow my bliss, I sprint after it with abandon regardless of how far away it may seem. Sometimes I catch it, sometimes I don't. I've given up on lots of things that I'm very good at lately simply because they don't make me happy. Despite how some feel about it, those were right decisions. For the same reason, I'll never keep stop doing things I'm not the best at it, because I'd be a fool to give up anything that brings me joy.
Just ask anyone that's heard me sing.
That's right, bitches. I'm never going to stop. In my head, I sound like Ann Wilson from Heart circa 1979, and that's all that matters at the end of the day.