Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I'm always right.

I'm unsurprised to report that I was right.   If you read my post yesterday about my upcoming trip to the Yellow River Gaming Ranch, you surely remember my predictions about how the outing would go.   I will chronicle my day with photos, since M. cannot ever seem to put the camera down.   She may be kind, but takes sadistic delight at my discomfort in such situations and finds it amusing to capture it on film and display it with a chuckle.   Maybe I'm the one that's rubbed off on her.   Hmmmm.   I like it.

I obviously won't post photos with kids on this blog, so don't think it was an exclusive photo op of me yesterday.   We pulled up to the ranch and immediately I felt as if I were in Jurassic Park, there were prehistoric ear shattering noises coming from mystery locations from the moment we stepped outside of the car.   Ok, they were roosters.  Forgive me for not growing up on a damn farm.  They sounded terrifying to me.   Now would probably be the time to mention that I'm wary of things with beaks and wings.   This is from childhood traumas that have to do with parakeets, but I won't tell the tale so you can laugh at me.

The whole thing started off by everyone mercilessly ridiculing me for bringing organic wheat crackers to feed the animals, insisting that they would spit them out because everything I buy tastes like paper.   Excuse the shit out of me.  I brought what I had at home, and I am health conscious.

Here is a photo taken when my cruel friend forced me to stand near the feathered vehicles of evil for a photo.  I had no choice, she drove the car and it was too far to be defiant and walk home.   In addition to this, she posted this photo elsewhere with the title "T. doesn't like cock".   Thanks a heap, M.

It's inevitable.   Whenever I take kids to the zoo, I end up having to explain why the animals are acting like they just put on a Barry White CD and are in the mood for love.   Why would yesterday be any different?   It does stand out, though, because I have never seen two donkeys going at it.   Saying it is loud is an understatement.    Of course, the kids thought it was hilarious.   The men working obviously were feeling like real clowns, because on top of it all, they felt the urge to come by and tell the kids that not only is it funny, but it's MORE AMUSING because they are both females.   Loud lesbian donkey sex was the theme for the better part of the afternoon.  I contemplated turning this into a learning experience for them, but then decided it was all too far gone for that.    Jesus Christ, can I not catch a break?

We did manage to have some fun by posing  kids in front of a sign that said 'Pigs' and taking pics.    Don't judge, we must indulge in mild cruelty to keep ourselves sane and besides, they didn't even realize it, so we could laugh to ourselves and not be horrible people.    The fun ended when the Vietnamese pot-bellied pig started taking a massive dump then sat on it.   Well, I'm so glad I paid money to experience the  joys of nature.

The worst part of going to these places is not the animals at all.  It's the horrible people and their wretched children.   I sat and watched one group of children chase rabbits right under a sign that said "NO CHASING OR PICKING UP THE RABBITS" and then bop them on the head with carrots.   The idiot mothers were sitting right next to me.   Part of the problem with working with kids for a living is that I sometimes forget I'm not at work and my instinct to discipline them sets in.   I did not make a scene and instead settled for  shooting death glares at both kids and moms… not as satisfying, but it had to do.   When I finally had enough I said to M., "You have five minutes before I open my mouth and say something."   They gathered their kids and left.  Idiots.

It was smelly.  There were huge muddy water puddles which were all too tempting to one of M.'s girls and we took turns yelling at her to not jump in.   So gross.   I was on total edge.   The more interesting animals just depressed me because I don't like to see them caged.  Ever the woman to make lemonade out of lemons, I managed to grab the stroller with baby in it and start making my way uphill for a long time and did lunges while pushing it.  I may have looked like a fool, but given the surroundings, I think I flew under the radar pretty well… besides, I didn't make it to the gym that day.     It was not all bad, however, because as I predicted,  there were lots of goats.   Have I mentioned how much I love goats?

Yes, people.  This is my life.  I'll take it, though.  I may not be famous, perfect or glamorous, but I'm sure as shit glad I'm not anyone else.


  1. You are SUCH an outdoors Girl!


  2. You're the only rooster for me, Roho.

    I actually don't mind the outdoors as much as this makes it seem. I'd be fine on safari or hiking in the mountains. Maybe. On second hand, maybe not. I may need to stick to indoor rock climbing and beach resorts.