Saturday, April 9, 2011

Take this job and…. ?

It's felt strange waking up knowing that I didn't have to scramble to find something to write about.  I had decided to take some days off, but started getting the sinking feeling that if I did, I'd just be completely useless.   (Sort of like that whole 'contemplating getting things done and spending nine hours drinking coffee and plucking brows' scenario that I've described)  So,  here I am.

I'm wrapping up Spring Break and go back to work on Monday, I must say it's with a modicum of relief.   I get so much more done when I'm forced to be somewhere at a certain time, things in my brain fall into order and I manage life easier that way.   Of course, I predict that I'll be back at work for all of three days before I come home wanting to rip the hair out of my skull and lamenting over _____  (fill in blank with just about anything).  

Thing is, I know I need a job to retain order and sanity in my life these days.  I didn't work outside of the home for a few years (which was the hardest job I've ever had, mind you…. raising babies and running a house properly should come with a six figure salary) and I did a smashing job of it.   Now that my kids are older there's really no sense in me kicking it at home all the time, but yet The Kid is still young enough for me to want to be here… he still loves to have me around.   I want to take advantage of this time, one day he won't be able to look at me without rolling his eyes like the other one does so much.  

This situation is the only reason I accepted the job I currently have when it was offered to me.   It's a good job.  Few hours, pays very well, will look great on a resume later and allows me to never put The Kid in camps for daycare in the summers or weeks out of school.   On the other hand,  the job has serious down sides…. after all, there is a reason why folks in the know have labeled it 'The worst job on the planet'.    I earn my paycheck, that's for sure.  Oftentimes, it makes me hate people in general (more than I already did before I started).   I won't go into much negative detail, lest some co-worker that doesn't appreciate my candor stumbles upon my blog and tries to get me fired for talking shit by 'telling on me'.   Yeah, they'd do it… given the unnecessary shit storm I found myself in by making another blog post some time ago, I know I'm speaking the truth.    

In a couple of years, The Kid will move up in school.  If I haven't done so by then, I'll be quitting that job for sure and moving on to the great unknown (that is, if I don't freak out and  actually quit sometime before then,  I decide to quit about three times a month).   Not sure what I'll do next, but I know I won't compromise my 'ideal' ever again.  It's a small sacrifice to make for your children, but I wouldn't make it for anyone or anything else.    I need a less oppressive and more creative environment, where I don't have to dress like a nun to cover all of my tattoos.  That would be nice, given the heat index in the city.   The thought of such a massive change makes me giddy with excitement and induces the slight urge to vomit at the same time.  A real mind fuck, I tell you.  As I say all the time, change freaks me out.  

What will I do next?  Should I go back to school and get a brand new career?  Eh.  Should I attempt to revisit the one I had a lifetime ago, but from the business end and with a different skill set?  Quite daunting.  Should I wing it and just glide into the next phase of my life?  Things have always had a way of falling into my lap.  (One day I'll list the array of jobs I've held and you'll understand why putting them all down on a resume would be ludicrous and hilarious at the same time).    There is always the hope that the Husband's new business will be such a raging success that in two years time, I can take over running the day to day stuff…. after all, he's got a day job/big career without his business and I'm the management MASTER.   We shall see.  

Just writing about it is sort of stressing me out.  I'm going to stop now.   This post has been without real direction… not funny, not deep, not much but personal rambling.   However, while it doesn't resonate with everyone, I know that lots of you Mamas out there know how hard it can be to find your place in the world again after a hiatus of self sacrifice and compromise.   All I know is this:  Once I close the book on this phase of work, I'm raising the bar.  I must do something I love, in an environment that doesn't make me feel like I'm constantly drowning.  Yes, I want it all.  Why in the world would that surprise you?

I have a lot to offer the working world, soon it will just be a matter of finding out what the job market has to offer me in this day and age…. kind of scary stuff.  

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