Saturday, April 16, 2011

Chicken shit and other shit, too.

I've tried so hard to find the time to write this week, but it hasn't happened for me as much as I'd have liked.   I had at least seven topics to share, but now I can only remember bits and pieces.  I'm afraid you'll have to settle for snippets of my brain again.

1.  My face is falling.   I am now diligently slathering on firming night creams all day and getting up after twenty minutes to look at my face in the mirror to see if the ever so slight jiggle at my jawline and the creases in my neck have  improved.   In addition to seeing nothing after four days, I'm having a hard time with my glasses sliding down my face from all the moisturizing.   Aging is total bullshit.

2.   I tried to be a good mom today and took my kid to the easter egg hunt extravaganza at the old folks home down the street.   Somehow, I managed to get into an altercation with a Mexican woman (only accompanied by teen boys with moustaches)  picking up eggs and stuffing them into her purse while little kids around her cried because they only got one or two.   By the time I was done with her, I had no energy for the idiot who had his Chihuahua shitting in the grass where the eggs were.   Ridiculous.  This is why I don't like to go out in public.

3.  Not only could Brock Lesnar crush your skull like a grape, but he's eloquent to boot.  His catch phrase for this season on Ultimate Fighter is 'making chicken salad out of chicken shit'.   I offered to make my trainer a t-shirt with this slogan but then to add….. 'one client at a time'.    I personally think it's the epitome of positive thinking, but I suppose others don't see it that way, because even though he laughed, he looked slightly nervous that I'd do it and expect him to wear it.  All my good ideas get shot down.

4.  Would someone care to explain to me why I am seeing girls under the age of nine wearing FAKE NAILS?   I'm not talking about the Lee press on nails that were around when we were kids (my mother would never let me have any, she said it made little girls look like cheap Lolita hookers, and she was right)…..I'm talking about the full set of acrylic nails women get at the Vietnamese nail place.  Great, and here I thought they couldn't get any trampier looking due to the words "Juicy" and "Apple Bottoms" scrawled in cursive on the ass of their jeans and track pants.   Seriously, what the fuck is going on?  I'll tell you, horse shit parenting, that's what.  I am so glad to not have daughters.

5.  I really am trying so hard to not be such a control freak.  Today I had cleaners come to the house for the first time.   I like to clean my own house my way, but I was desperately wanting some DEEP cleaning action.  After spending two hours cleaning for the cleaners (I don't want people to see my house dirty), giving him a lecture about how I didn't want anyone touching my linens (it creeps me out to think of strangers changing my sheets) and then rambling some more, he very sweetly suggested that I leave and that he'd call when they were done.    I came home to a sparkling house, the toilet paper rolls had toilet paper origami flowers on them and I liked it so much I don't want anyone to wipe their butts for at least the rest of the day... I suppose someone will think I'm unreasonable now, as usual.   I was also slightly angry that it was cleaner than when I do it, but I think he knew I was a neurotic ticking time bomb, because he went out of his way to tell me how easy it was to clean and how tidy my house was to begin with.   Bullet dodged, he can come back.  Brazilian men are really smooth talkers, plus they wink a lot.

6.  I have been the innocent victim of venomous insults for weeks now.
*First I was told I'm beginning to look like Tina Fey.  I don't think it was meant as an insult, but to be compared to a woman who is the poster girl for the middle aged, unattractive nerd type is not awesome.  Women want to hear that they have mysterious or raw appeal, not that they are a suitable visual counterpart to Steve Carell.  It wasn't meant in the 'you're so hilarious and witty, you should be on SNL' way….  that would have been nice, though.   I tried to blame the comparison on my glasses but was shot down.  Apparently it's my face.   
*I was told by a student earlier this week that it was cool to be taller than me because they could all see the gray hair on my head… he did not realize I was so OLD.
*Yesterday I was not carded for alcohol at a restaurant by a teenager that I'm sure I saw card a table of senior citizens AND told by someone online that I am more uninteresting to them than they are to me.   (Ok, that last one made me laugh and wasn't really an insult, it was a lame comeback, but it was an attempt at an insult, so it counts.)

I'm telling you, people are trying to push me right over the edge, but I'm not going to break.   I'm just going to put on more night cream, pick up an interesting hobby (like knife throwing or something), remember to touch up my roots and wear my contacts more often.  That all actually seems like more work that it's worth, so I'll probably do nothing and continue to to take poisonous arrows of insult to the heart.   *shrugs*

I think that about covers it.  I must now take to my bed with a glass of wine and a true crime book to recover from the traumas of the week.   


  1. And breathe.

    My face is also falling, but not as fast as my arse is spreading.
    Shit happens eh.
    Made me laugh though, and apparently laughing is good for the facial muscles.

  2. If you ever want a giggle, search YouTube for videos showing various facial exercises. There are loads…. for jowls, double chin, fat cheeks (face cheeks, not butt cheeks), ect. I refuse to do them because my jaw locks and I'm afraid I'll be so determined that I'll be stuck with my mouth gaping open as I drive myself to hospital.

  3. I laughed so hard while reading all of this that I figure there's got to be a two drink minimum! (Like at most comedy clubs!) Hey, Tina Fey is hot! Nerd cool is hot too and so are you! It's a total compliment! I'll watch out for that new knife throwing hobby of yours... :)


  4. There actually should be a two drink minimum. The more you indulge in, the funnier my crap tends to be. If you could see me right now you would witness me stomping my foot at you. I DO NOT look like Tina Fey, even if you think she's hot. I DON"T, BRY.

    Take it back.

  5. ~manages to both pout and glare at the same time~ I want a male Brazilian house cleaner who makes my house sparkle and makes origami TP flowers. Yep, jealous.

    You have me laughing again. Love ya, Doppie.