Friday, February 11, 2011

Words escape me

 In conversation with my mother yesterday, she stated to me that my written delivery comes off as very harsh, negative and ugly, which is disappointing to her because I am not so one dimensional.   Honestly, I never really saw myself that way, and despite the fact that I'm adult enough to take her perspective under serious consideration, I still lean towards my same opinion.   I own the fact that my commentary may be blunt, it's really not my style to sugar coat things.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I start typing, I can actually say all of the things that I keep bottled up, I can be myself and throw away the roles I'm forced to play in daily life.   However, I wouldn't succeed in my job if I didn't have the ability to utilize good communication and people skills, and I believe that I truly have both.  I put out fires with people that range in age from five to sixty-five.  I placate people who are angry and upset basically from the time I step into the workplace  until I leave in the evening.   There's a reason why I have the job that I do, cause I'm capable of handling it.

I seem to have hurt and angered my share of people at every single turn this week.  This would not be shocking to me if I had set out to do exactly that.  But believe it or not, my intentions in life are  not to attack people I know or make everyone around me upset.  I'm capable of doing both effectively, and the first thing way to achieve that is to hone in on them and name them directly….. never in my life has someone called me passive-aggressive, it is simply not my style.    If I don't throw something directly your way, then you really shouldn't take it personally.   I know that not everyone sees it that way, and I will admit that sensitivity is not my strongest attribute.  Sometimes I don't think before I open my mouth, but if that bothers you, be glad you didn't know me ten years ago.  You'd have run from me screaming, so trust me when I say I HAVE gotten better, and I do try.      However,  I write this blog for ME, so that I can share my thoughts with a group of people that I don't have the luxury of seeing on a regular basis due to the distance between us.  If anyone can read it, be entertained, relate to me in any way or get a chuckle from my perspective, then that is just icing on the cake.  If anyone is horribly offended by me, then they shouldn't delve into my brain any more than on the level they see in day to day interaction and just not visit this page.   I've edited myself here once already, and only because I really saw no other choice.  I will not do it again, as this place is meant to be the one area of my life where I don't have to.  I'm not going to take that away from myself, because I know how much  I need it for my own sanity.    

The past few days have left me reeling.  I've gotten angry, I've felt ganged up on and I've even cried out of sheer frustration.  (Yes, I cry.  Not so much these days, but it happens.)  There is nothing worse for me than finding myself amidst drama that I want no part of, and that is exactly where I've been catapulted.   I have so many thoughts, opinions and feelings floating around in my brain, and they are all screaming at me at the same time… it's really loud in there.  It's all racing around so quickly that I oftentimes don't have the ability to catch full concepts, organize them and articulate them properly.   So this measly post is what I'm ending up with.   I've got about five different topics about the past few days I could try to write about right now, but will wait until my brain tires before using all of my energy to sort them.   Right now it's all just a jumble of sadness and disappointment in my head.     

In closing, I'll just say this.  No one that has become upset with me lately has chosen to directly approach me with it.  I'm not entirely sure why, I'm not a scary monster.   Hell, I'm approachable.  I'm a nice person that does have a heart.  I'm even a great listener.  What I'm seeing is knee jerk reactions to my words, assumptions,  misinterpretation and then actions that make all of it more than what it ever needed to be.   It's all so unnecessary.  If you aren't clear as to what my objective is when I do something, please don't get so defensive, just ask me.  I don't walk around biting people's heads off all day, and I appreciate the opportunity to clarify my intentions and viewpoint.  I don't know, perhaps people just don't feel that I deserve that chance.   Nevertheless, if something I do matters enough to be a real issue in your life, it should matter enough for you to address it with me personally.  That's how I handle conflict, so I can certainly take it in return.   Try it out, you may even be surprised at what I have to say.

Disclaimer:  This was written due to a compilation of crappy events that occurred this week.  The intention behind this post is to gain personal closure over upsetting issues, not to target or attack any particular individual.   Please, no more drama over my blog posts, or anything else.  I know everyone has their problems these days, but I have my own fair share on my plate right now without having to defend myself regarding every single word I write or action that I take.     This stands as the last disclaimer of this nature that I subject my readers to, cause it's seriously going to get redundant.   Also, I've gotten a lot of private communication  about what I say here, so know that you all are more than welcome to comment publicly, even if you don't agree with me.   I'm totally ok with that.   


  1. It's quite simple. You perpetually try to hide your sensitivity behind a wall of aggression.

    You do so with such venom that when it comes to discussion or confrontation many people will simply avoid doing so.

    Just like one avoids a rattlesnake. It isn't an evil creature - it is by nature an animal that one wisely backs away from.

    Even in this post, your words read with such intimidation that one is reticent to say anything. :-)

    You take everything intensely personally. Nothing I say here is intended as insult. Merely as a token of understanding. I am often perceived in the same vein.

  2. Thanks for your reply. I'll start by saying that while I do take things personally, I am quite honestly taking your words for what they are. I'm not angry or insulted by them.

    I can't say that I see the intimidation behind my words, but it doesn't mean others don't see it. Perhaps it's there and I don't realize it, or maybe it's because this is the internet, and you and I both know that it's very easy to misinterpret words when there is no body language or tone of voice to work with. The large majority of the people I interact with on a daily basis see me as opinionated, but certainly friendly and warm. At least I think they do. ;)

    It's true, I am sensitive, and I do use my sharp tongue as a defense mechanism. Thing is, I haven't always been that way, but life has a way of teaching you the best means of survival. What strikes me as interesting is that you and and handful of others see me as incredibly aggressive in many ways, while others don't at all. I wonder what the personal dynamics are that come into play regarding that.

  3. I can't stop thinking about this post. Boy, it hit home. I know I don't know specifics but I could really relate to the frustration.

    I'm not so good with communication. People can be such headache. They project, they scrutinize. They do so many inexplicably strange things and I can't even pretend to comprehend.

    I don't like being misunderstood when I'm not trying to be understood at all. I don't like it when people misinterpret my words when I'm not directing any words at them in the first place. Then I try to explain and it just gets worse and worse. "No, that's not what I said, that's not what I meant. No, it has nothing to do with you. No no no." A real surge of stuttering, twitching emotions swell up in my veins before I get exhausted with it all. Just end up feeling lonely and defeated. Withdrawn.

    I think that's why when I find someone I get and who gets me I am so absurdly relieved. It's like when you remember to relax your shoulders, that kind of feeling.

    Anyway, I hope you decide to stay with the blog. I like the way you write. =)

  4. Boy, I needed that, Shade. Thank you.

    I'm not abandoning this blog, I've just taken a much needed break from the internet as a whole. I'll continue to spew my unedited thoughts here, if I didn't, I'd go nuts.

    I can totally relate to your example scenario. Especially the 'being misunderstood when you're not trying to be understood at all' part. Whenever I am in the midst of conflict with those close to me, I oftentimes get accused of 'shutting down' at certain points of debate. It's not something I do on purpose, I just have become adept at realizing that there comes a point when no matter what I say, it's not going to be taken for what it is. So I just stop. The behavior has been called counterproductive,but sometimes I just have to wonder what the point is.

    I do it online, too. I'm not much of a poster in certain places you and I go to. This isn't because I don't have anything to say, it's just that I get misinterpreted as aggressive so much that I'll construct a reply, edit, then just delete. Again, not worth it. Know what I mean?

    Thanks for reading my blog. It really makes me happy.

  5. Being a human being can be difficult at times.

    At other times, it can be "my fucking head is going to fucking explode any fucking second" difficult.

    The self-protective scar tissue that develops with age as a result of past battles doesn't always make things easier as well.

    Hang in there.