The List

Sometimes I feel that I make life extremely difficult by just being me, but I have no choice.  You can change how you act, but you can't change who you are.

I've been in a very cranky mood for many days now.  Actually, I wake up fine, feel fine, live my life, and then somewhere along the way someone comes along and pisses me off.  I have been horrible about letting things get to me lately, though I've never been good with letting things roll off my back.  I react, I become upset, I feel too much.  It's an awful affliction, and if you don't share it, you probably don't get how badly it sucks most of the time.   The highs are incredible, but the lows ruin your day every time.

I've never been good at tolerating the shortcomings of others.  This is not because I think I'm better than they are (well, sometimes it is), but because I simply can't take certain things. (Ironically, this is seen as a serious character flaw to many others.)  I admittedly have too many deal breakers.  I suspect part of this is due to the fact that I grew up in a family and culture where it was not odd to hear someone scream, 'YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!!!', at least five times a year for any degree of issue.   Anyway, it's caused me much loneliness in my life, but age has taught me to be forgiving and tolerant of a person's _______ (insert relevant attribute here), so long as the good outweighs the bad.  Learning how to do that has made it possible for me to have a small number of lasting relationships.  I really don't need, or even want, more.

I'm a keen observer.  I watch people, I read how they react to situations, to me, to anything.  I'm aware.  I know how to take social cues and when to back off.  I make it a point to identify a person's level of comfort and their boundaries and I tread on the right side of those.  Seems like it's a dying practice.  I'm just going to break some of it down.

* Crossing the line.  Relationships have boundaries, all of them.  Not understanding what sort of relationship you have with another person, and then saying or doing something inappropriate is a no no.  Don't give advice unless someone seeks it out.  Don't be TOO FAMILIAR.   You have no idea how many times in a week something flies out of someone's mouth that inspires me to want to scream, "Back the fuck up, you don't know me like that!"   Of course, I realize that my habit of holding folks at arm's length dissuades good people from making the moves to get to know me better, I've even heard that I'm seemingly inaccessible and uninterested, so folks don't bother because of it.  Does that bum me out?  Sure it does, but I don't know how to change it.  Better alone and in peace than throwing the door open and having a headache that lasts a lifetime.

* Not getting the hint.   It all goes back to social cues.  I am no enigma.  My demeanor, tone and actual words used say it all.  You'd have to be a total imbecile to not get when I want to be left alone… when I don't want to take the relationship to the next level, but yet it seems to be a constant problem.  I need space, I need alone time, I need breaks from just about everyone I know.  If I self impose seclusion, it's for a reason.   If I don't answer 1-3 texts in a row within a fifteen minute window, maybe it would be a good idea to stop sending them.   If I turn down dinner repeatedly, chances are I don't want to go.  Sorry, but it's true.   The flip side is, if I ever genuinely reach out, people know I mean it.  Surely there has to be something valuable in that.

*Inserting an entire damn leg, instead of a mere foot.  Look, I say stupid shit, everyone does.  Thing is, I tend to know when I've messed up.  At that point, I do what is necessary to rectify the situation if I'm so inclined.  Sometimes it calls for eating a slice of humble  pie and apologizing sincerely (which I do often and with no problem).   Other times it's knowing when it's best to just shut up and go away for a spell.  NEVER is it wise to just keep flapping your jaws as someone is standing with their ears turning purple and about an inch away from ripping your head clean off your neck… all the while pretending it didn't happen.   Well, it's not wise if you care about your relationship, we're not talking about pissing strangers off.

I could go on forever.  After years of writing people off for next to no reason, over time I have developed a system. Call me a narcissist, I really don't care.   As I stated, I'm working on letting go of the small stuff, lest I find myself old and totally alone.  Transgressions made that I label 'moderate to serious' and I make a mental note.  Another one and you are officially flagged in my brain.   It only takes one more for you to make THE LIST.   Many an individual has made THE LIST, but very few have every come off of it.  There is no redemption at that point.  It's over.  THE LIST is extensive, and lots of folks never even realize they made their way there, especially if I must interact with them on a professional level that keeps me from freezing them out completely.    Of course, there is a particular group of actions that require no process in my brain, they are met with immediate removal from my life.  Cut off, done… no conversation, no looking back.  Straight to THE LIST.    The system works for me.  I'm ok with it.   Matter of fact, the only time I ever really suffer is when I try to give people chances so they don't end up on THE LIST.   (Note to self:  Stop doing that.)

Part of me feels like I'm coming across like a real asshole with this one, but it's not like any of you think I'm some sort of sugary sweet person anyway (if you DO see me that way, congratulations, you saw past the rest of it).  It's been brought to my attention that lots of folks, many of which I call friends, see me as a 'bitch'.  I guess that is fine.  I don't particularly think that because I say what needs to be said makes me deserving of that moniker, but my feelings aren't all that hurt.  I've been called worse, you know.

There you have it.  Rant officially over.  I think I may feel better.  And isn't that what blogging is all about?  It is for me.