The Swinging of the Pendulum

I am  a confident, controlled and happy woman (for the most part, on most days).  I was the exact opposite for too many years.   Truthfully, I wince when I revisit my evolution because it hurt.   As a young girl, I was insecure, sheltered, shy and constantly looking in from the outside.   My religious indoctrination told me from an early age that all of my natural tendencies made me a bad person, period.  Being a child of above average intelligence, I worked out quickly that I must pretend to be everything I knew I wasn't to gain favor.   I craved love and acceptance too much to be defiant as a child, I was the epitome of obedient on the outside while miserable on the inside.  So many factors that I won't bore you with made me a ticking time bomb.

My twelfth birthday brought about a metamorphosis that rocked my family to the core.  I found myself confused, over emotional, irrational, and angry.  When I say angry, I mean verbal and physical  uncontrollable fury that I unleashed unpredictably (I did not even understand it myself), I was volatile.  Those episodes were broken up by long bouts of crippling depression.  I was a total mess.   Though no one around me could wrap their minds around why I made such a 180,  as an adult today it is all quite clear to me.   It was inevitable.  My self destructive and impulsive behavior took me down ugly roads.  This lasted in varying degrees for years.   My new found rebellion did me little good, it only exposed me to new groups of people that I allowed to treat me badly for far too long.  I talked the talk, but hadn't learned how to stand up for myself in any way that really mattered, I still hadn't acquired much self awareness or self respect.

I could write about it for days, but it's emotionally uncomfortable and I have a house to clean. (I'm actually only sharing these small bits because it's the first time I've hesitated to hit 'publish post', and I'm intent on challenging myself with this blog.) There is never going to be a part of me that doesn't want to travel back in time and save me not only from myself, but from everything and everyone that caused me so much pain.   I eventually stopped looking to others to take care of and protect me, I've done a far better job of it than anyone else ever did.   Perhaps that's why I value loyalty from my friends more than anything else.   Not having my back when I need it is, for me, the ultimate betrayal.   I'm still sensitive, there is a part of me that will always be.  But now I have a voice, and once I found it, I never stopped using it, much to the chagrin of many.   I know and love who I am, I make no apologies for any part of myself.  I fought my demons and won, I came out powerful.   I embrace exactly what I'm capable of, both good and bad.   That makes life much easier to navigate.

The song challenge: play a song from your favorite album.  I have lots of favorite albums, but few spoke to me like Pink Floyd's 'The Wall'.   I discovered it at around thirteen years of age and I saw it as somewhat autobiographical… the interesting thing is that I did not anticipate how much it actually would prove to be just that later on down the road.  Of course, I had to find videos with film clips, because the movie actually solidified my attachment and emotions to the music in that era.   He was just as I had imagined, and I loved Bob Geldof's character in a way I couldn't when looking into the mirror at that time.     Personal connection aside, it's a brilliant album.   Here are two of my favorite tracks and scenes.





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