Friday, December 28, 2012

New Years Resolutions and Lame Excuses: A Rant

What the hell is going on?   I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.   I checked my calendar twice this morning.  Let me explain.

So, I'm always relieved to be done with the holidays and relish going back to my structured life.  Upon pulling into my gym parking lot the day after Xmas, I was suprised to see it full.  The gym was packed with unfamiliar faces (I know everyone's face that has my gym schedule, I see them almost every day), but I lied to myself and said that it was evening regulars that were off of work making use of their morning.  When I went back today, there was no denying it any longer.  They were already here, ruining everything ahead of schedule.

In the seven years that I've been regularly going to my gym, I've become well versed regarding the phenomenon of New Years Resolutioners (we can shorten that to NYR) barging into my gym and taking up space.  It only usually lasts no more than six to nine weeks, then things go back to normal.   I was fully prepared for the same thing to happen this year, but had allotted myself another week of peace in the one place I go only for myself.  I was wrong.  They crept up on me.   Well played, assholes.

You may wonder why I feel contempt for these people.  After all, I'm genuinely fully supportive of anyone embarking on a path to bettering their physical fitness.  These people, though.  I can't with them.

Listen, I know that it takes guts to step outside of your comfort zone and go into a gym if you haven't been to one before.  They are intimidating, you don't know where to start, ect.  Trust me, I've been there.  Everyone, regardless of their current state of physical fitness, has had to start somewhere.  I don't take that step lightly and applaud folks for doing it.  But for the love of all that is right, familiarize yourself with gym etiquette.  Quickly.  Most of it is common sense, really.

*Don't slam your weights down, that's not necessary.  It doesn't make you cool.
*Wipe down your damn equipment after using it.  I realize you are not breaking a sweat, but just get used to doing it, anyway.
*DO NOT hold a cell phone conversation while sitting on a piece of equipment when someone is waiting to use it.  Matter of fact, don't talk on your stupid phone at all, people don't care about what you're saying, yet we are all forced to hear one side of it.
* Don't stare, not at me, not at anyone else.  I don't care why you're staring.  Know how it's rude to stare at folks on the subway?  Well, it's rude to stare at folks anywhere, so it applies here, too.  Don't do that.
* Don't try to strike up conversations with people at the gym.  Just don't.  People are there to do work, not chit chat or give you free advice.
* If you are on a piece of cardio equipment next to your buddy, keep your banter quiet.  If I can hear you over the blasting of my music from my earbuds, you are definitely talking too loudly.  Besides, no one cares about your kids or your new Vera Bradley bag.   People are turning around and giving you dirty looks for a reason.  Also,  you must particularly be an idiot if you're talking about SOMEONE NEAR YOU, LIKE ME.  I CAN HEAR YOU, BITCH.  Geez.

You can spot a NYR a mile away.  They come into the gym in brand spanking new workout gear from head to toe, which is fine.  The women have done their hair and make-up (which makes me want to drop to my knees and scream to the heavens, "WHY?".... but whatever)  and usually stick together in groups of two.   They wander around the gym like the Walking Dead in their shiny new clothes and two coats of mascara, smacking their gum and fiddling with their cool new water bottle, giggling with their friends like seven year olds at the hip abductor machines before finally settling on a piece of cardio equipment.  No surprises there.  If you want to do cardio between the months of January and March, you may as well go run in the parking lot.  The newbies are gonna be monopolizing that area.  You're totally screwed.

It's all so off putting.  Some of you may not understand why, and the best way that I know how to explain it to you is simply because we all know that ninety five percent of them will be gone by mid February.  We'll never see them again.  Enter all of the lame excuses.  "I wasn't seeing results."  "It's too hard."  "I have back problems."  "I don't have time to work out."  "I don't know what I'm doing at the gym."

To this I say, BULLSHIT.  All of it is garbage.  Why don't you just say what the truth really is?
I don't want to do this.  I'm a quitter.  Boom.  That is the truth, and either of those statements I can  accept easily.  But anything else that you may say, it's an excuse.  Period.

If you don't ever become comfortable in the gym and feel like you don't know what you're doing, then utilize the class schedule. Lots of gyms have complimentary orientation sessions where someone will teach you how to use the equipment and what it's for.  If they don't, or if you aren't seeing results, hire a trainer, at least for four sessions or so, to give you basic education on what you should be doing to meet your personal goals.  They money is worth it.  Don't want to spend the money?  Then pick up a damn book.  Watch a YouTube video. Download a stupid workout app onto your smart phone.   Educate yourself if you don't want to pay for someone to educate you.  This is a society where people want everything spoon fed to them.  I hate that.

Perhaps the gym legitimately isn't for you.  That's fine.  Great, now you know.  Find something physical to do outside of a gym, and remember next year what you learned so that this exact situation doesn't repeat itself.  You probably shouldn't have spent so much money at Sports Authority on your clothes, though.

You have an injury, bad joints, are you just really out of shape?  There is not one person on this planet that can't do some sort of appropriate exercise that can fit into their ability level, it just takes some creativity, guidance, education and a desire to actually meet a goal plus the perseverance to find something that you can begin to enjoy doing.  I don't want to hear anything stating otherwise, cause as I said, it's horse shit.    So is saying that you don't have time.  Everyone has time if it's important enough to them.  It hurts?  It's supposed to hurt, but it's never going to get better if you just quit.

Look, maybe I just have a terrible personality, but I still don't buy that I'm not right.  I don't know how trainers do it, I'd be screaming in people's faces constantly... my trainer has no mercy on me and I appreciate that, but I've grown to see that I must obviously be the minority.  I have always been surrounded by people who decide they want to be my new 'workout partner' and then dump me after two days because they say I'm awful to be with in the gym.  The truth is, they're probably right.  I have no tolerance for complaining, wasting time, being a baby, constantly repeating 'I can't do it',  flat out refusing to work out certain body parts, and most of all, wishy washy attitudes which leads to giving up.  Ugh!  I work better alone, anyway.   No loss to me.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.  No one forced you to start working out, so just stop if you want to (cause ultimately, I don't care one way or the other if you exercise, it's not my business), but save the lip service.  Also, save the insulting commentary.  "We can't all be naturally thin."  "Wish I had your motivation."  "Wish I liked to work out as much as you do."  Ultimately, throwing those statements out to me takes away from my own struggles, in general it somehow insinuates that others have it easier than you do.   Again, total crap.  More excuses.

Guess what?  I gain five pounds in a week if I don't watch it, and when you're five foot two, that shit shows.  Not only do I NOT have superhuman motivation, I have to solely motivate myself, because I'm largely surrounded by people who don't care at all about being healthy, exercising or eating well.  I screw up and fall off of the wagon constantly, no one is there to raise a brow when I inhale a box of cookies, instead they practically shove them into my mouth, so it's up to me alone to put myself on track.  It hurts me just as much to get back into the gym after a hiatus as it does you.  Think I love my workouts?  Then you've never seen me puke into a trash can after a hard training session.   Also, I hate running more than just about anything, but I do it anyway.

I hate mental weakness, lack of drive and bullshit.  I do not expect people to have my same priorities, I don't give a shit if you never exercise a day in your life.  I don't care how anyone else chooses to live their life.  It's only when stupid things like temporary New Years Resolutions drive people to inconvenience my already established routine that it is a blip on my radar.   You want to succeed in any endeavor of your choosing?  How about you make a decision, research what the best path towards your goal is, make a sensible plan of action and then stop talking and start doing. Talkers are the epitome of lame and spin their wheels forever whilst giving everyone a headache.  Doers tend to get what they want.  Simple.  I'm not talking about fitness.  I'm talking about life.

And why the hell would you want to wait until New Years to 'resolve' to do something, anyhow?  It's basically stacking the odds against you.  Don't believe me?   When's the last time you heard someone talk about their New Year's Resolution in June?   Yeah, that's what I thought.

End of rant.

1 comment:

  1. This essay should be printed out and included with ALL new gym memberships.