Saturday, October 13, 2012

Hey Ladies…..

So, I drank some wine the other night and started thinking about how happy I am when I'm thrifting.  It's the thrill of the hunt and every time I find some small treasure I ride that high for the rest of the day. It had to be tacked on to the list of future things I desire.  I want a project home, one where I can make it my own from the ground up and then live in it forever…. decorator and DIY heaven.   The other thing I want is a place to put all of my thrifting finds, all the clothes, jewelry, bags, shoes and small accent pieces of furniture.  I suppose in order to make that happen I'd have to sell them, so technically that would be considered a store.   It's nice when realization slaps you in the head, at least when it's the fun kind.

I started off with that just to get it off my chest, because this post really has nothing to do with either of those things…. except that two of my friends who became privy to my idea instantly were supportive of it and didn't treat me like I was crazy.  That's sort of nice.  The past year has made me really reflect on the people that I have in my life.

It's no surprise to anyone that knows me or follows me here how difficult the past couple of years have been for various reasons… while I am a very private individual, I do put a lot out there via written word.  Though it goes against the grain of many aspects of my nature, I embrace it.   Specifics don't tend to be all that relevant when sentiments are expressed, so I can retain a bit of anonymity and frustrate people by not giving TOO much (I know I do that, I'd say that I'm sorry, except I'm not).  I recognize the cathartic need to purge and make sense of what's happening inside of my brain and heart and this is the only way that I really know how to do it.  Amidst all of the bad that's swirled around in my existence, I have had no choice but to recognize a strange phenomenon that has evolved over the past year and a half or so.

I'll preface by saying that I have always kept pretty close friends with males, but females and I just have not had a great track record.  I'm not an asshole, obviously I've had female friends in my life, they've simply been few and far between for various reasons.
1.  Females have never really warmed to me much, ever since I can remember.  I could give you a million and one speculations as to why, but it really doesn't matter.
2.  I also take responsibility, because female relationships can be WORK in it's own special way, and I have the sort of nature that makes it perfectly fine for me to just hang out alone rather than deal with someone that is high maintenance.  It's been hard to find someone worth the trouble.

There's more, but those really stand as the main obstacles from my perspective.  At best, I've had one female friend that I'm close to and that's about it.  But this year, along with a shit storm of horrible crap, I also had some fantastic women dropped into my lap.  They just appeared, with no expectations and no drama attached to them, which is good because both of those things make me  pull away in quick order.  Somehow, they were just there one day and I was able to smile and see their real place in my life and heart… some I've known casually for years, others I've just met and connected with instantly.  Obviously, my Wifey is the person I am most bonded with, and our relationship is so perfect that I would have said you were smoking crack if it were to have been suggested that I would actually gain other female friends as well.  But I look around me and have to recognize that it's happened.

I've always touted that I believe that real friendships should occur organically and have been reticent to putting in a vast amount of work with people.  That's probably not a great attribute to have, but again, I've no problem hanging out with myself.  Combine that with a very critical and judgmental personality and you end up with a loner.  Plain and simple.  I have lived the better part of my life functioning just fine and dandy in this manner and I would have laughed in your face if you'd have told me that I was missing out on something.  I have always had my circle of male friends, and still do.  I wouldn't trade them for the world.  I love them fiercely and quite honestly, I wouldn't be me if I didn't have my men around me… I find understanding, protection, love, acceptance, humor and everything that is good in my dynamic with them.  But, I have to begrudgingly admit that there are some things that my ladies understand in a way no one else can.

This was a post recently made on Facebook by my friend (who has a vagina):

"The great are thought to be immune to folly. The moderately wise man knows different. He knows that we are all crazy, but stronger personalities shelter more elaborate grotesqueries. And the strongest men cry in secret and hurt inside the most. In this entire world of sham and fakery, there is no greater truth." - Anton Szandor LaVey ♥

She obviously made this post for her own reasons and this is a favorite personal passage that I've always identified with deeply, but it struck such a chord of resonance in me that I felt like I had been whacked in the gut… dare I say it was a feeling of sisterhood?  At the end of the day, she knows how I feel.  She understands my nature because it is hers as well, and when you have such a distinct nature, that just doesn't happen very often.  She sees what I present to the world and how the world views me and then she giggles and looks right through it, effortlessly.   Like minds don't always connect on a deeper level, but when they do it's a damn beautiful thing.

She's not the only one, either… if you can believe that.  I have had the distinct pleasure of getting to know more than one woman who I genuinely like, enjoy, respect and even confide in.   Life keeps throwing curveballs and I have to say that it feels good to have someone in it with you, someone who gets it and places value on you as a person.  At the end of the day, regardless of how confident, rational, strong and capable you think you are, there is true comfort to be found in validation, a kind ear and a thoughtful and insightful word or two.  There is no greater gift I've received than the gift of feeling like I'm allowed to be vulnerable with trust in my heart, knowing that it won't be exploited.

I'm lucky, but also recognize that magic is real…. because this is what I needed and I didn't even know it until I got it.  Not only do I have some damn good looking friends, they're all amazing.  I'm not easy to get close to, but you did it.  I love you for it.
Hey ladies, thanks!

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