Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Ho, ho, ho….WTF?

I'm still alive and nothing tragic has happened to me.   Shocker, since I'm contributing to my own blog, I know.

To know me is to know that I hate Xmas season.  I hate buying mass quantities of gifts that people really don't need.   I don't like the decorations. I don't like how folks all of the sudden expect me to stop being my naturally snarky self and somehow start blowing reindeers and candy canes out of my ass, just cause it's December.  I despise the debate between saying Happy Holidays/Merry Xmas.  Who gives a shit?  Say what you want, celebrate however you wish.  It doesn't offend me.  Just don't expect me to go to church and go back to leaving me alone.

Most of all, however, I really tend to not like Xmas music.  It's pumped in to every public establishment that you have no choice but to enter from what seems like October thru the new year.  Ugh.    If it's not Dean Martin, Elvis, Frank Sinatra or Brian Setzer doing holiday songs, then I don't wanna hear it.  'Divas' doing endless runs… thus making a crap three minute tune into a five and a half minute session of torture?  Nope.  Not for me.

Trust, this is not just a bitch session.  I'm actually going somewhere with it.

While surfing the web last night, my partner in crime somehow ran across THIS.   Now, let me preface by saying that while I don't love Stone Temple Pilot, I've always thought that Scott Weiland was sort of hot (in a dirty, heroin scumbag sort of way.  Don't judge me.  I like what I like.)   I thought, "Hmmm.  This is strange, with a 59% chance of being interesting." and immediately instructed Big Guy to preview the songs.

What followed left me absolutely speechless, not an easy feat for a big mouth like myself.  First of all, he looks creep-tastic on that album cover.  I can't fathom him seeing that photo and saying, "HOT DAMN!  I think we have a winner, folks!"  Seriously?

The music.  Oh, the music.  Believe me, I get that he wasn't going for 'rocker' on this album, instead he's trying hard to tip his hat to the era of big band and go all old school on us.  Problem is, he can't carry it.  It doesn't work.  I appreciate that style more than anyone and have extremely varied taste in music (just ask The Kid, cause he's been listening to me sing along to Streisand's Broadway album for two days… I like to pretend I'm Liza in the car.)  So I'm not judging based on it straying from his normal output of sound.  I'm judging the level of assault on my ears.

Frankly, he sounds a little drunk most of the time.  In a bad way.  On rare occasion, he starts slipping into what I can only describe as a more on pitch version of Sid Vicious' version of "My Way".  I was dumbstruck and still can't believe some of the favorable reviews.  Cause I'm here to tell you it's crap.  It wasn't all just suicide inducing.  It slipped into varying degrees of boring, played out and just forgettable.   There was nothing the least bit interesting about this project.  Also, whoever did the orchestra arrangement needs a boot up the ass.  They did this no favors at all….. my personal favorite moments were the strange  island calypso/steel drum  inspired moments.  Again, WTF?

This is a case where I think that perhaps he ought to start doing really heavy drugs again, if by chance he has stopped.  And for Pete's sake, don't make another holiday album, Scott.  Go back to not showering and I'll stop being mad at you, it's all going to be alright.  But most of all, Scott Weiland….. shhhhhh.

Go ahead, preview the songs, if you dare.  

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