Sunday, September 11, 2011

Sunday musing

It is the tenth anniversary of  the Sept. 11 tragedy.  Of course, I remember the exact moment.  Sitting on my sofa exactly three months before delivering my child, eating an apple before leaving for work and watching the news.  I watched it unfold live, stunned in total horror before having to break away and make the commute downtown.  I remember driving down 75 south and catching glimpses of fellow drivers on the highway, all looking stoic and numb.  That was when the radio announced that the Pentagon had been hit.   I recall looking up at the sky wondering what was going to come next.   Of course, I remember.  I don't think anyone will forget.  It's our generation's version of 'Where were you when you found out Kennedy was shot?'.

Now I'm going to leave the topic.  I remember quietly without fanfare and continue living my life.  It's not crass, it's how I'm wired.  I respect and remember the immense loss of life and shattered families, give it a solemn nod and move on.   Please forgive the jump in topic.  It's not flippant, I've shed more than a tear and bouts of indignant fury for the spouses left without their partners, the parents who had to bury children and the children who have had to grow up without parents.  What a life changing event to witness, I can't imagine being one of the ones touched so directly by it.

I made a FB post yesterday morning.  It discussed how one should never be afraid to walk away from something that isn't working for you.  I give that advice out a lot, it hasn't always been so easy to follow it myself.   Make no mistake, I am quite good at walking away from people.  I firmly live by the notion that once someone starts becoming toxic and that effect begins to outweigh the positive influence they have on your person and quality of life, the only rational thing to do is to cut them out.   I do it often and no one is immune.  Of course, the result is very few long lasting relationships, but at this point in my life I'm not scared of being more alone than yesterday.  I'm ok with that.

Relationships that I felt I could not function without two years ago have been severed and there is no mourning, there's only relief.  See?  Things change so drastically that it's futile to try and anticipate what faces will be surrounding us in our future.

No, I don't have trouble walking away from people… I've had trouble moving on from an 'era'.  I've been drowning in circumstances that make me unhappy, partly from feeling a duty to stay, partly from fear of failing in future endeavors.  It's only been recently that I've realized that my thirst for adventure can easily be quenched by simply taking the plunge and saying, "Fuck it."  This coming year is going to rock my stability and structure to the core.  I'm starting with the most obvious changes and going from there.  Life feels like a journey again just by making the decision…. and it's only upon that realization that I've recognized that parts of me haven't really been living at all in the past five years or so, I've just been existing.   I deserve so much more than that and the only one that can give it to me is ME.

I'm done settling.  Times, they are a changing.   I have absolutely no idea where I'm going next.  I have no solid game plan.  I'm walking away from safety and constants in the next months with no safety net to catch me if I trip and fall.   All I know is that if I don't, I'll spend the rest of my life clinging to a rock instead of letting the current carry me somewhere else… (yes, Bryan, that is a nod to your advice and wisdom).

Things look new already, and the process hasn't even really started yet.  For some reason, I feel like I can breath just a bit easier again.


  1. I read your words, and I can say that they have made an impact. I read and re-read. Then I sat back and thought about how my own journey has been one of embracing and letting go, moving on so that I may experience this life fully. Admittedly, although I have given this advice upon occasion, I do not often follow it when it may count the most. I've allowed doubt and fear hold me back. All of the what ifs...

    That being said, and aside from a few select situations, letting go is becoming easier and easier. I have realized that I deserve a life without toxicity. I don't have to suffer to please others and meet others expectations. I have let go of close family and friends, and while it is not always a painless process, in the end it is as you say, a relief.

    You are an amazing woman. No matter what, your life will be an adventure. Your words resonate within me, and I endeavor to find even a pinch of the strength you are mustering.

  2. Interestingly enough, family has equally been axed along with so called friends. Some are shocked by it, but hey… it's not my fault that I was born into a crazy gene pool that isn't worth the trouble and pain they cause. Besides, the family I've created on this planet of my choosing is better.

    What I appreciate about you (and I guess about myself, since this is a topic we instantly bonded over) is the fact that despite our ability to walk away, we have the insight and drive to know when it's right to STAY and what situations are worth toughing out. We're loyal folk, and those deserving of our loyalty will get a whole lot of rope. I suspect that's why all the rest get so little of it!

    My life is starting to feel more like an adventure than it has in a long time, and you're certainly one of the reasons. Just thought you should know it.

  3. You always know exactly what to say and with such power and authority. I'm glad I always listened to your solid advice, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to move forward at all. You really are one of the good ones, hon. Stay strong, Bry xoxoxo